*I haven't done this feature in a long, long time. I couldn't possibly show all the books I've gotten since the last time I did it, so I picked a few that I got recently*
Goddess: Hello folks! And welcome to another episode of Books in Love, where the aim of the game is to find those single books out there the romance of a lifetime! I'm your host, Goddess, and today we have the lovely Crush on the show, looking for love! Tell us a bit about yourself, Crush.
Crush: Hi Goddess. Well, I'm Crush. I love travelling and trying new things, and I'm really interested in history and other cultures. I'd love to find someone special to share these experiences, and well, we'll see what happens after that!
Goddess: Fabulous! Well, now it's time to explain how the show works. Today, we have our three Infernos as potential candidates for Crush. Crush will ask questions to each Inferno to try and find out a bit more about them, and then the Infernos will also have a chance to ask Crush some questions! At the end, Crush will choose her favourite to go on a very special date to...Book Mountains! A magical and mysterious exotic location where our books are sure to find love.
Audience: Oooooooh! (some snickering in the background)
Goddess: Over to you, Crush!
Crush: Thanks Goddess. So my first question is to Inferno #1. What would be your ideal date and why?
Inferno #1: Oooh that's a tough question. Well I love long walks on the beach and winter snow and fire...so I'd have to say my idea date would be a picnic around a fire on the beach during the harsh cold of winter!
Crush: Oh...erm, that's unusual. Thanks for your answer. My next question is to Inferno #2. Why did you decide to come on the show today?
Inferno #2: I was told there'd be free cheesecake.
Inferno #2: Cheesecake. I was told there would be free cheesecake. I loooove cheesecake. I make cheesecake, I eat cheesecake. I even dream about cheesecake. So I came for the cheesecake. Do you know where the cheesecake is?
Crush: (ignoring Inferno #2 completely) So, Inferno #3, what do you look for in a partner?
Inferno #3: Well, it's all down to the individual really. I love laughing, so I look for a good sense of humour. I volunteer on a regular basis, so someone kind-hearted and empathetic would be great too. I'm not into looks so much. You shouldn't judge a book by their cover, you know?
Crush: Oh wow. That was fairly normal. Thanks for -
Inferno #3: Of course, my mother would have to approve.
Crush: Your - mother?
Inferno #3: Of course. I mean, if things got serious, we'd be living under the same roof. My mother isn't going to let someone she doesn't approve of live in her house. I bet she would even refuse to take us to the park and buy us ice-cream on Sundays. She might even take away TV privileges!
Goddess: Well that's the end of round one! Time for a break.
Crush: Oh God. Why did I come on this show.
Sister Assassin: (to Goddess) We need to talk.
Goddess: You're not supposed to be on stage! Go back -
Sister Assassin: There's been a security breach.
Goddess: What? What happened?
Sister Assassin: Unknown books have entered the premises. Security team #3 are holding them back, but they might break through. We advise cancelling the show.
Goddess: Cancel the show? CANCEL THE SHOW? I think not.
Sister Assassin: I don't think you're aware of the risk. These books have shown aggression towards -
Goddess: And I'm sure security team #3 can hold them back until the end of the show. Run along now.
Sister Assassin: You are endangering innocent people; the contestants, the audience, yourself!
Goddess: The break is almost over, get off stage!
Sister Assassin: Fine, it's your funeral.
Inferno #2: Where is the cheesecake?
Goddess: Welcome back! It's time for round two, and it's time for the Infernos to be asking the questions!
Crush: (whispers to Goddess) Look, I am not interested in any of them, can't I just -
Goddess: (ignores) Inferno #1, what would you like to ask Crush?
Inferno #1: Hi Crush! In your opinion, what is the best way to start a fire?
Crush: What? How would I know? Matches, I guess?
Inferno #1: MATCHES? Oh I am disappointed. So disappointed.
Crush: Oh no, what a tragedy, how will I ever live.
Goddess: Inferno #2, ask your question.
Inferno #2: Do you like cheesecake?
Inferno #2: Never speak to me again.
Sister Assassin: (offstage) The books have passed security team #3 and are making their way to you, get out now!
Goddess: (ignores again) Inferno #3, it's your turn!
Sister Assassin: They're on stage!
Inferno #3: What would you give my mother for her birthday?
Crush: A restraining order.
Goddess: (pushed aside by unknown books barging on to stage) What? Who are you all? Why are you here.
Acid: (to Inferno #1) YOU. How dare you come on this show. How DARE you.
Inferno #1: (nervously) Acid! What are you doing here?
Acid: Did you really think you could burn down my house after I broke up with you and get away with it?
Inferno #1: Look, it was an accident -
Acid: Yeah, tell that to the jury. I'll see you in court, you crazy arsonist!
Noble Conflict: You think that's bad? When I went out with him, he used to take my stuff and bury it in the sand at the beach! I lost an antique ring that used to be my grandmother's - it was virtually priceless!
All Our Yesterdays: Well for our anniversary he took me to a glacier. A GLACIER. I almost pushed him over the edge but he had the return tickets in his pocket...
Crush: How has he had some many partners?!
Until I Die: Inferno #2 is infinitely worse. He was going out with me and my sister at the same time!
If I Should Die: It was awful! He accidentally sent my sister's birthday cheesecake to me instead, and that was when we knew. We both beat him up after that, but you never really get over these things.
Crush: CHEESECAKE GUY?
The Rising and Summer: (drop kick Inferno #2 and Inferno #3 respectively) Kaboom!
The Rising: Inferno #2. I have been searching for you.
Crush: Oh God, what did he do to you? Date you and your brother at the same time?
The Rising: No, he stole my cheesecake.
Summer: Inferno #3 is the worst of them all. His mother was practically in our relationship. She used to tuck him in at night! She used to chaperone us on nights out! She phoned up MY mother to ask whether I was a well-behaved child! She was everywhere. Sometimes I would wake up to see her watching me while I slept. It was the creepiest thing... Now she's not allowed within 500 feet of me.
Inferno #3: (groans face-flat on the floor) Don't insult my mother...
Summer: SHUT UP.
Crush: I think I'm going to call the police.
Goddess: We're still on air.
Inferno #2: (muffled) There's no cheesecake, is there.
Inferno #3: Mummy...
Books (in order of appearance):
French Kiss (Diary of a Crush #1) by Sarah Manning
Goddess (Starcrossed #3) by Josephine Angelini
Inferno (Chronicles of Nick #4) by Sherrilyn Kenyon
Inferno (The Divine Comedy #1) by Dante Alighieri
Inferno (The Divine Comedy #1) by Dante Alighieri
Sister Assassin (Mind Games #1) by Kiersten White
Noble Conflict by Malorie Blackman
All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill
Acid by Emma Pass
Rules of Summer by Joanna Philbin
Until I Die (Revenants #2) by Amy Plum
If I Should Die (Revenants #3) by Amy Plum
What did you guys get this week?
Many thanks to Atom, Bloomsbury, Leanna @ Daisy Chain Book Reviews, Macmillan, Random House (I have no clue how I got sent Acid - I don't review for RH and there was no press release! But thanks anyway :P) and The Works for their amazing discounted books.