Sunday, 10 July 2011

Introduction to Harry Potter Week: My Ministry of Magic Case Profile


Name: Liz
Gender: Female
Occupation: Blogger (Planet Print blog)
Active since: August 2010
Monitored since: June 2011
Last sighted: On July 10th 2011, The Hog’s Head, Hogsmeade, convening with Professor Sybill Trelawney of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and three other known Muggle-sympathisers (Brodie, Honey and Sonia).

Blood status: Muggle-born
Family: Muggle mother, father, and brother (verified by Dolores Umbridge).
Security status: TRACKED. Muggle residence under 24 hour surveillance.
Crimes: Suspected Muggle-sympathiser, use of Imperius Curse over followers, failure to register with the Muggle Registration Committee, anti-Ministry propaganda.

Report from sighting: It appears the four criminals were subjected to a long rant about a centaur named Firenze (profile #17). Sybill Trelawney seemed to fall ill at some point (glazed eyes, hoarse throat), but soon recovered. Criminals left shortly after.

Statement from Bernrius Tooblesback, regular at The Hog’s Head: 
Trelawney was spouting 'er usual rubbish, er, I mean, was talkin’ ‘bout the future and stuff. Said that girl Liz was gonna trip over a broom because of Venus, or somefink, and that girl ‘oney was gonna have an ugly week ‘cos of her tea or whatever (she got angry that one, I was impressed by 'er insults). Looked like the four of ‘em were tryin’ not laugh – Trelawney kept mutterin’ some spew about a centaur ‘o stole her job. Said somefink about ‘im being a tree-hugging donkey. They were about to leave when Trelawney ‘ad a funny turn. She sorta went all still, I fort she was ‘aving a seizure. ‘Er eyes went all crazy and she kept saying weird stuff like “beware the Ministry” and “protect your followers”. Definitely said somefink about that Dolores Umbridge too, but I couldn’t ‘ear properly ‘cos ‘er voice was all croaky, see. Girl named ‘oney stood up to see if she was all right, but Trelawney’s ‘ead sort of rolled over and next minute she was fine again. Then she said somefink about ‘ow she was tired, and it was all that centaur’s fault and went on insultin’ ‘im for about another ‘alf hour. The ones called Brodie and Sonia looked like they’d ‘ad enough and paid for the Butterbeers, then the four of ‘em left. That was ‘bout it, really. So, I told ya – do I get my gold now?

NOTES: Planet Print will be under intense surveillance for 2 weeks due to an anonymous tip of alleged illegal pro-Muggle and pro-Harry Potter activity.

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And that, ladies and gentleman, is my official profile. If you’re wondering why on earth I went to meet Professor Trelawney, it’s because she practically dragged the girls and I to come. All she did was moan and groan and make us all laugh our heads off. Spouted some nonsense about the Ministry everyone knows already and then whined about poor Firenze. It was a complete waste of time. I mean, I have better things to be doing than listen to some old fraud. And if you’re wondering how I got hold of something so top-secret such as this profile, well, let’s just say I have friends in high places. According to the Ministry, I’m a criminal. Apparently, being of Muggle lineage is a crime these days (those Ministry morons, do they really think I "stole" magic from witches and wizards? How does that even work?) 

Anyway, the Ministry have put five hundred galleons on my head (nice to know I'm worth so much) and they want to arrest me. But don’t worry, I’m not going to let that happen! Instead, I say stuff the Ministry, and long live Harry Potter, the boy who lived! Over the course of this week, you can look forward to lots of fabulous Harry Potter related posts on my blog, and on the blogs of the lovely Brodie, Sonia and Honey, who are quite literally the awesomest people you will ever meet. We’ll each be using this time to celebrate our love for the Harry Potter series and we hope you’ll be there to join us! There will be lots of giveaways too, so if you want to win something that supports Harry and says “get lost!” to the Ministry, stay tuned. I hope you enjoy the week we’ve got planned for you, and last but not least: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

July 10th - 17th 2011

Muggles, squibs, witches, wizards and trolls all welcome.

Hosted by the brightest witches of their age:
Liz - Planet Print


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5 comments:

  1. Bloody Ministry of Magic. What are they good for anyway? *twitches and looks over shoulder* Reckon they can see me now? *flips them the finger*

    You know how much I adore Bernrius' statement. Even if he did rat out us! So excited to be hosting this week with you girls! <3

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  2. THANKS A LOT, BERNIUS. Man, you can't trust anyone anymore *grumbles*

    Ah, that miserable old fraud. How could there be anything but awesome in the week to come? She's just trying to make herself seem more impressive, surely.

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  3. LOL, Bernrius Tooblesback has an awesome accent! Looking forward to Harry Potter Week :)

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  4. Haha, this is awesome. Love all of your posts!

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  5. "So, I told ya – do I get my gold now?"

    Stupid Tooblesback! But you like a knuckle sandwich instead?!?

    Just gotta love him though! His accent always has me going!

    The Ministry is delusional. Only five hundred galleons for you? Pshh! You're worth Bellatrix's entire vault and then some :)

    SOOOOOO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEK!! YEAHHHHHHHH!

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