Thursday, 14 July 2011

Harry Potter Week: Tidbits from the Daily Prophet


Dear Daily Prophet,

Why hasn’t anyone caught Potter yet? Why is that disgusting boy still traversing around England? He’s only seventeen! What does the Ministry have to say about this, hmm? That filthy Muggle loving dirtbag with his blood traitor and Mudblood friends - how hard can he be to beat? Can’t even catch one criminal – I’m losing my faith in this government! If Potter isn’t caught by next Tuesday, I’m going out to find him myself. I’ve got a wand, and unlike those Ministry pansies, I’m not afraid to use it! I’ll Avada Kedavra the life out of that boy! By the time I’m done with him we’ll be selling his hair for five knuts a strand! That’s not a bad idea actually...I gotta write that down. Anyway, watch out Potter, because I’m after you!

Sincerely,
Bidgen Forcips

Response: Dear Bidgen,

You brave, brave man. I’m sure your courageous vow has restored the faith of many citizens. It is clearly evident that you alone possess the qualities to capture Potter – the squadrons of Ministry trained witches and wizards, along with all the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself, are of course no match for you. I’m sure you will be able to do what no-one has done before you, even the legions of talented wizards who have devoted their time to tracking Potter. You, sir, are a true hero. A diamond in the ruff. Let the burden of catching Undesirable No. 1 lie wholly on your very capable shoulders.

All the best,
Lucius Malfoy Editor
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Lonely Hearts 

Angry, old, partially deaf female menagerie worker, who enjoys Muggle-hunting and cooking for goblins, seeks young (under 40) pure-blood male with tattoos, a broom and at least one scar for friendship and possibly more. Must be an animal lover. No controlling mother.
 
Mary, stop with the Patronus messages. I don’t want to see you anymore. It’s over between us. I found another witch, and she’s a pure-blood, not just a half-blood like you. Plus, she said she likes my bald patches! And she doesn’t think my wand is too short, either! I’ll move out, I don’t care. You can keep the Nimbus but I’m taking the cat. And your dress robes, because you know they’ve always looked better on me. I hope you spend the rest of your life as miserable as you made me. And don’t even think of hexing my new house because I’ve got protective charms up like you won’t believe. Just go home and stick your head in the fireplace. Visit someone who actually cares about you. Oh wait, there isn’t anyone because you drove all your friends away with your wretched personality! And if you think for a second you’re touching the gold in our joint bank account, well, think again. I already visited Gringotts and told them I wanted to close the account. I’ll give a few Sickles because you really need to fix your face. There’s a nice salon in Diagon Alley. – John.

Tall, slim, extremely powerful, almost immortal male, with a slight nose problem and an affinity for snakes seeks woman who appreciates his power and understand his goal to destroy all Muggles and rule the world forever.  Must know how to use the Unforgivable Curses. Ages 40+. No mudbloods.
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Dear Daily Prophet,

I work in the Department of International Magical Cooperation, and recently received a letter from America stating that Undesirable No. 1 and his two cohorts were last sighted in Michigan. However, this cannot be true as the Ministry has confirmed their presence in England. Enclosed is a photograph that was attached to the letter I received – it is a shot of the supposed trio. Obviously these people are not who they claim to be, but can your reporters and detectives please find out why three innocents would pretend to be the most wanted people in the magical world?

Sincerely,
Imilda Wilsberg

Response: Dear Imilda,

The Daily Prophet’s best undercover team  and the Ministry have looked into this case and have confirmed the people in the photograph are indeed imposters. They seem to be supporters of Undesirable No.1 and are attempting to rally followers. They are under surveillance, and will be apprehended shortly.

We hope this eases your mind, and perhaps we are one step closer to stopping Undesirable No. 1.

Sincerely,
Death Eaters The Daily Prophet Team


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Have a pleasant day!

7 comments:

  1. LOL! Liz, I honestly think you may have outdone yourself with this post. It freaking brilliant. I love Lucius' letter, the personal ads (why, Voldy, if I were 20 years older....), the inclusion of the AVPM trio was genius. And John... god, that guy is psycho. What did Mary ever see in him?! Hex those dress robes before you let him have them!!

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  2. LOL. The end made me laugh so much! Oh, Darren Criss... I loved the Very Potter musicals. :D

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  3. This was cute. Very creative. Great job!

    Girl Who Reads

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  4. LOL I still love Lucius' response just as much the second time around. Way to make a person seem like an idiot.

    Voldemort's personal ad was amazing. It must get pretty lonely with only a snake and some fellow psychotic murderers for company.

    I loved the inclusion of A Very Potter Musical! :D Darren Criss' face on my computer screen this early in the morning... I'm happy with that.

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  5. LOL, loved the line "And she doesn’t think my wand is too short, either!" And great idea to include the pic at the end with AVPM :D

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