Monday, 11 July 2011

Harry Potter Week: Letters to The Quibbler


A collection of readers' letters to The Quibbler

Dear The Quibbler,

In your last issue, you stated the Crumpled Horn Snorkack was last sighted in Wiltshire, England. As this is a known Death Eater hotspot, I must ask - have the Death Eaters managed to convert these creatures to their side? Can we expect an army of Death Eaters riding Crumpled Horn Snorkacks and spreading their evil destruction? As an animal welfare activist, I demand something to be done about this immediately. We cannot let He Who Must Not Be Named get his hands on these innocent creatures and force them to do his bidding.

Sincerely,
Teresa Green, Save the Snorkack Alliance

Response: 
Dear Teresa,

Whilst it is true Snorkacks have indeed been sighted in Wiltshire (unusually far away from their origins in Sweden), it is unlikely they will be targeted by Death Eaters. They are relatively docile creatures, and will not be useful to Death Eaters in "spreading their evil destruction". Especially since they cannot fly. He Who Not Must Be Named is more interested in allying with Dementors and Giants than forcing non-violent animals such as the Crumpled Horn Snorkack to "do his bidding". Indeed, it is likely that we are now more endangered than the Snorkack is. I hope this has eased your mind, and I wish you luck with your campaign to Save the Snorkack.

Kind regards,
Xenophilius Lovegood, Editor
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Dear The Quibbler,

I recently used your recipe for Plimpy soup, having been impressed by the few ingredients necessary and the short preparation time taken to make it. However, upon adding the salamander blood, my cauldron proceeded to explode, covering my kitchen, my face and the majority of my cats with a substance the same consistency as cement (and the same odour as a troll). I am extremely angry, as I followed the recipe’s instructions word for word, and I hope to receive some kind of compensation for this horrible mess. I would also like to return the Grow Your Own Gurdyroots pack I ordered, as I no longer trust your products.

Sincerely,
Fortula Flippance

Response: 
Dear Fortula,

I am deeply sorry to hear your cats were harmed by this terrible incident. However, had you actually read the recipe correctly, you would realise the reason your cauldron exploded was because the ingredient you should have used was pomegranate juice, not salamander blood. I understand they are the same colour, but really, it is not such a complex task to distinguish between the two. I will gladly reimburse you for the Grow Your Own Gurdyroots pack, as it is obvious you require the money for reading lessons. However, expect no further compensation as it is a principle of mine not to fund the ignorance of others.

Kind regards,
Xenophilius Lovegood, Editor
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Dear The Quibbler,

I LOVE Harry Potter. He is my idol. I have pictures of him on my bedroom wall and ceiling, and I have shrine dedicated to him in wardrobe, where I light candles and give offerings. He is so handsome and adorable and I feel so bad for him, having to be raised by those horrible Muggles, never knowing about his true heritage until he started Hogwarts. He’s so brave and clever; I just know one day we’ll be together forever. I’ve even taken up Quidditch lessons because I’ve heard he’s a brilliant seeker –so now we have even more in common! I dream about him every day, and I definitely don’t believe all the nasty rumours about him – he’s much too sweet and lovely to be as they say. The only thing is, he never seems to notice me. At Hogwarts, there are so many people, it’s like I don’t exist. I follow him to all his lessons, even if it means being late to my own, and I wait outside his dormitory just so I can see him go to breakfast in the mornings. I watch him through the window when he’s at Quidditch practice, and I even go out of my way to go to the seventh floor bathrooms, just in case we bump into each other on the way!  The chocolate I spiked with love potion somehow didn’t work either – please tell me what I can do to make him love me. I’m thinking of giving him a picture of me with Mrs Potter written underneath – do you think that will work?

Sincerely,
Romilda Vane, Desperately in Love

Response:
Dear Romilda,

I fear for your mental health. I recommend you visit St. Mungo’s for a check-up; you seem to be displaying very obsessive and stalker-like tendencies. Also, as an acquaintance of young Mr Potter’s, I assure you he will not be impressed by your fanatical actions. The poor boy has enough to deal with. I suggest you re-evaluate your attempts at getting his attention – I’m sure approaching him and starting a normal conversation is more likely to succeed than alerting him to the fact you see yourself as his future wife. Young boys tend to get scared off easily, and you, my dear, put Moaning Myrtle to shame.

Kind regards,
Xenophilius Lovegood, Editor
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Dear The Quibbler,

We have received information alerting us to your anti-Ministry propaganda. You are in violation of the Ministry of Magic’s official policy regarding Undesirable No. 1. We demand you cease any further production of this magazine unless you are willing to co-operate with the Ministry of Magic’s guidelines. Further actions will be taken if necessary to prohibit the circulation of this publication.

Have a pleasant day,
Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic

Response: 
Dear Dolores,

I was having a pleasant day before you ruined it.

Mind the centaurs, won’t you?
Xenophilius Lovegood, Editor


Do you have any questions for Xeno? If so, leave them in the comments and he'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Make sure you stop by the girls' blogs to see what they have in store for you today!

7 comments:

  1. "Mind the centaurs, won’t you?" WIN. Xeno, your gurdyroots concoction may be disgusting, but I do admire your ability to stick it to the old toad :D Romilda is so creepily obsessive! These are so brilliant. I think I want to take up a subscription to The Quibble just to read more of this section!

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  2. Haha, these were hilarious. I can just imagine Harry's face if he read Romilda's letter - can you say scarred for LIFE?

    The reply to Umbridge was awesome, awesome, awesome. I love the picture of her being dragged off by centaurs :P I liked all of the pictures, really.

    My question:

    Dear The Quibbler,

    I recently took your advice about not treating a bite from a garden gnome because I was told (*cough, cough*) that it would give me special talents for the day.

    The only thing that happened was I developped a digusting yellow crust over the bite and my entire arm swelled up like a balloon.

    I am now in St. Mungo's along with a raving lunatic who swears he is Harry Potter's long-lost twin brother and urge you to stop giving your readers such dangerous advice.

    Hope your day is going as awful as mine,
    Sonia

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  3. Dear Sonia,

    I fail to see the problem here except, perhaps, your impertinence. Have you not realised that your swollen arm is your "special talent"? If you bend over and stick your affected arm in the air, you will temporarily be able to fly, without the aid of a broom. Much like a balloon, in fact. After that, the swelling will decrease over the next few days and you should be perfectly fine. I never print any advice that has not already been tested on myself - as if I would endanger my readers that way! Therefore, I am 100% certain that you will recover fully very soon. And don't you think that shade of yellow crust on your arm is particularly flattering?

    Oh, and if you get the chance, please say hello to Wilfred Potter (the "raving lunatic", as you referred to him). He is a lovely chap, and always sends Luna and I chocolate frogs at Christmas.

    Kind regards,
    Xenophilius Lovegood, Editor

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  4. LOL, these are awesome! Love the response to Umbridge :D

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  5. Hahahahahaha. Awesome. Who knew Xeno was so feisty with his words? :P

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  6. Cor, I don't know about Teresa but hearing which species is more endangered has certainly eased my mind.

    Gunhild Björn
    Non-English Mythological Organisation

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  7. These are such fun, creative posts! I loved both the Dear The Quibbler questions and the responses!! ^_^

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Comments are better than frosted cupcakes :)