Interviewer: Mr Arthur Weasley, Misuse of Magical Artefacts Office, Ministry of Magic
Interviewees: Mr and Mrs Granger, Dentists (a Muggle occupation in which teeth are cared for using several dangerous looking instruments one usually wouldn’t dare put near their mouth)
Transcribed by: Fernius Amplicus Tornstein
Mr Weasley: Mr and Mrs Granger, it’s a pleasure to be working with you today! As you know, many witches and wizard are very unfamiliar with Muggle ideas and conventions, so the purpose of this interview is to better inform them of the Muggle world and how it works. I personally am very fortunate to work with Muggles and Muggle artefacts on a daily basis, but I hope your insight can help further my own knowledge too! So, shall we begin?
Mr and Mrs Granger: Er yes, okay.
Mr Weasley: Marvellous. Now, our first question was submitted by Miss Camily Crockstead from Hogsmeade, and she asks, “What is a pumble? And what business do they have with toilets? Are toilets sacred in the Muggle world?” Good question, Camily! I must say, I’m interested in this myself; there was chaos in the Ministry not long ago – some issues with regurgitating toilets –and there seemed to be many pumbles at the scene. Can you explain to us what they actually do?
Mr Granger: ...Pumbles?
Mrs Granger: Erm, I think you mean plumbers. A plumber is a person who installs, maintains and repairs devices such as heating systems or ones that supply water and sanitation. So plumbers were probably at the scene because they had been called to fix the toilets, you see. They have the tools and necessary training to repair such things most regular people can’t. So it’s not that toilets are sacred – it’s just that plumbers are the only ones that can fix them.
Mr Granger: They charge a fortune, though.
Mr Weasley: Oh, I see! Very enlightening - and it’s pronounced “plumbers” you say? Fascinating stuff. Really, the ways Muggles have learnt to cope without magic... Ah, let’s see, next question. Yes, submitted by Jonah Hartfeltson of Diagon Alley, who asks, “Why do Muggle carry bits of coloured paper in their pockets? And why do they exchange them for products? Is this some kind of currency?” Ah, a common question among witches and wizards – can you help us uncover the mysteries of Muggle money?
Mr Granger: Well it’s paper. And it’s money. You use it to buy things...
Mrs Granger: Ah... what my husband means to say is that we use paper as well as coins as our currency. Here in England, we have coins for small amounts of money, such as 10p and £1 coins, and we have paper notes for larger quantities, such as £20 and £50 notes. Other countries use different values but have similar systems. It means we don’t have to carry lots of coins around with us when we go shopping, which is helpful because coins are heavy and take up a lot of space.
Mr Weasley: What an ingenious idea! Of course, wizards can create extra space with magic, but for Muggles to have invented such a system is truly resourceful. How clever.
Mr Granger: Isn’t it just?
Mr Granger: Are you people being serious?
Mrs Granger: (to Mr Granger) Hush now! It’s not their fault they don’t understand our ways, dear. (to Mr Weasley) Well, in the Muggle world, the people who try to heal others are called “doctors”. We don’t have magic to cure illnesses or heal injuries, so we have to find other ways of making people better. Our methods, though they may seem brutal, in fact work very well – I myself had an operation on my knee (in which it was cut open) many years ago, and the pain I suffered from is completely gone now. Doctors are very well trained and skilled at their jobs, and have helped saved millions of lives.
Mr Granger: And we’re dentists you know, so we have the title of “doctor” too. Remember that.
Mr Weasley: You’re doctors? But you don’t save people, do you? I thought you looked at teeth!
Mr Granger: Why you -!
Mrs Weasley: (pokes head out of kitchen) Arthur Weasley! How dare you be so rude to our guests! I don’t see you healing people! No, what you do is bring home Muggle vehicles from work, and, oh, I don’t know, BEWITCH THEM SO THEY CAN FLY.
Mr Weasley: Molly, dear, I thought we were over that! And you know that loophole in the law, so technically –
Mrs Weasley: And does that LOOPHOLE account for your sons finding this “car” AND FLYING IT ALL THE WAY TO SURREY AND BACK? NOT TO MENTION CRASHING IT INTO THE WHOMPING WILLOW!
Mr Weasley: Ah yes, well it didn’t go quite according to plan...
Mrs Weasley: I’LL SAY!
Mrs Granger: Um, perhaps we should leave?
Mrs Weasley: (to Mrs Granger) Oh no dear, please excuse us and get back to your interview. (to Mr Weasley) I’ll deal with you later.
Mr Weasley: (gulps). Ah, okay. (to the Grangers) Perhaps we should wrap this up soon. Er, let’s see. Aha! The last question is one of my own, one I have been pondering since first encountering Muggle artefacts. Please tell me, what exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
Mrs Granger: (blank face) Excuse me?
Mrs Weasley: (from the kitchen) ARTHUR WEASLEY! WHY ARE YOUR MUGGLE BATTERIES FLOATING IN MY KITCHEN?!
Mr Weasley: (stricken) Oh dear...excuse me one moment (runs out of interview room)
Mr Granger: They’re all crackpots.
Hmm, I think maybe Mr Weasey was a little too enthusiastic there. At least he got his questions answered -
Mr Weasley: (sneaks into room) Ah, safe!
Mr Weasley, what are you doing back here?
Mr Wealsley: Sssh, don't tell Molly! I came to ask your readers more questions. I have to know - how does eckeltricity work? How does a plane stay up? What exactly is the "underground"!
Er, I don't think this is a good idea...
Mr Weasley: Please! I must know. The Muggle world is so fascinating!
Erm, well if any of you can answer Mr Weasley's questions, that would be great. I'm sure he'll be happy...
Mr Weasley: Thank you, thank you! I have to leave now, Molly's going to be on the warpath... (disapparates)
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Well, folks, that's it for today! Make sure you drop by most co-hosts' blogs today to see what they've got for you!
Brodie - Eleusinian Mysteries
Honey - Sniff Books, Not Drugs
Sonia - The Story Queen